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Last post 07-19-2008, 12:38 PM by vulgan. 1 replies.
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  •  07-08-2008, 3:02 AM 61755

    update

    im in bangkok.  arrived day or two ago im losing track now.

    we took a taxi from pataya because he was keen to go all the way to bangkok maybe because of the storm breaking out as we left.  we = me and my girlfriend and her neices and her friend deu. evolving some kind of father like perspective and it is strange because i am used to being the baby or boyfrend and never much liked children but their affections have moved me and i found out the youngest one is the baby of the sister who died last year, as we said goodbye to her, and had to hold back the tears... her father is gone aswell and she is looked after by vassanas parents, the girls grandparents, and when she returned with another girl who is the daughter of vassanas brother i gave them 1thousand bt and i really had to choke on the tears when we left i mean fuck what a time to tell me.  she told me before.. so she thought but she either didn't, or i didn't understand.

    yesterday night in bangkok i was attacked and vassana played the protective mother and after i got the chance to finger the guy she turned me around and pushed me out of the way while she slapped him.. away from me and told me to run.  lol, we both ran but she kept me from going back, pushing me and turning back to face the guy herself.  ugh, embarassing, but i tried.  when i walked passed... shiftiest guy i'd seen and was wrapping a jumper or cloth around his hand like he is concealing some weapon, i thought, before he grabbed my arm and chased us.  someone was stabbed recently here.

    now max and i have extended our stay after a last minute decision to throw a coin and it ordered we spend some time in phuket so that is what we are gonna do in a day or two.  good because i spent... really a shit all amount of time there enough to know i want to go back, and too much time bangkok, to feel satisfied with the thailand holiday thing.  also max and i lost each other early on and then went seperate ways after finding each other and he didn't enjoy his time up north, while i spent too much... travelling back and forth, like a whole day on the train and bus to phuket, a whole day back and only got a couple of days there... now we will spend more like a week, only us two, aswell, and i think we need the space from the 'bonding' to our girlfriends who we are both starting to argue with but i feel... last night it was my fault for being paranoid about a mere communication problem.

    she is good and i am bad, pretty simple.  under all the analysis, criticisms of her and her culture, she is like the mother mary compared to me and i tried explaining to her after the argument... she looks after everyone, she tries so hard to be good, and whatever i might do inside i know i am not good like her.  that's when the true self came out and i admitted the void of feeling about humans i have and the ways i can abuse people but simple don't, but could, and i know i am a weak mess.. a no person, not even, bad, more like not real, not a real person, insane.  i feel nothing, i feel good things, bad too, and i am what? insane, evil, i don't know.  i made (yet another) decision to change but it is hard to even know how to do it.  i have explored parts of the mind that cannot be forgotten and been over the human line too long and just because i can speak and look like an individual doesn't mean it means very much. life to me feels like a form of necromany(?) of conjuring the dying parts of myself into presence of a... quite morbid kind and i don't know how to be different sometimes i feel life, it goes so quickly.  the worse parts of myself, sometimes, feel like the most alive parts of myself.


    the fabric begins to tear
    and i don't really care
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  •  07-19-2008, 12:38 PM 64000 in reply to 61755

    Re: update

    Lol well... fuck, falang (foreigners) (pronounced farang) are so played ya almost feel good about being the Bad Guy, in thailand, if you know what i mean.  max and i were laughing that we bought cheap coca cola and cheap whiskey from the 7 11 store in the tuk tuk (like a taxi but not a taxi) ...on the way to soi cowboy (a nighttime bar and girl road, soi 23).  until we realized the tuk tuk fare was 400 bart and not the 40 we thought we heard.  im paranoid some days... ppl here are like ants just waiting for you to drop some food or spill your cordial so they can lap it up..~!   max has been bummed about that too.  also funny was before we got the tuk tuk, we were taken in by one to a bar called the SD Club (me max and nim his girlfriend).  the drinks were expensive and max laughed that they get pissed off at aussies because we're too onto the bullshit, explaining to nim that you can't fuck an aussie over so easily, and we wouldn't be going and losing money to a club like the SD Club, before nim replied that is where she met max for the first time, and where she works partime still.... :D   im sure her boss isn't happy about our reactions to the menu pricing and quickly leaving for the 7 11!!! :)
     
    im in bangkok still, by the way, we didn't have the money for phuket.  (i was there couple weeks ago though)... um came back yesterday from saranburi the country a couple of hours away from bangkok for part of their holiday, many people return home to the country for this buddhist temple ritual thing, alot of sitting, watching monks eat, then eating.  i like the eating but im a bit over the parental way everybody looks up to the buddhist religion and monks for good luck and blessings much like retarded christianity but anyway. in the west buddhism is more embraced as a way to become like the buddha, not to crawl under him hoping he will shed a tear or a ray of hope.  sorry ~!
     
    same with the king worship here.  on teh way back from saran buri i woke up with a huge hangover on the mini bus (the saran buri "lads" took me into their alcoholic circle, and i think they love me)... anyway the first thing i saw entering bangkok on waking up was all the king posters and it made me even sicker and i said loudly to wassana so everyone could hear me that i hate the king and i hope he dies a mis erable death... i think wassana believed my curse against the king was the reason my hang over become increasingly terrible, and i saw her praying to the old king and the buddha back at hers, probably for my forgiveness, and like a possessed man i spat out "fuck the king" one more time before drifting off to a pleasant sleep.  (the panadeine, and vomitings, fault, not the kings)
     
    wassana lives with a bunch of girls and so im making some room for them, esp. cause yah's mum is sleeping over (all the same bed) and moving to khao-san road for the rest of the trip... should be back on the 23rd.   that's the official date until we make the tickets tomorrow.. gotta see max tonight maybe.  he wants to go see these english and australian guys tonight, who have 'coke'.....nudge, wink.  dunno i'd like to try it but i am not into them energy drugs and drinks.  coffee is bad enough on my nerves but good coke is meant to be smooth.
     
    yeah im a bit 'naughty', i have video of me max and nim and waraporn all in taxi and you just hear max saying "it's reubens naughty night mahaha" and the girls all laughing and i think i said "I don't think so."  before we went to the Lucky bar and i got lucky. :P
     
    no more... saw waraporn again and watched Wanted (again, good movie).  she is cool but i was glad to go back to wassana.  no sex this time i just went to see a movie and eat and make some kind of friendship.  some strange holds, hugs, kissing, but nothing far.  might see her one more time before i go back to australia, again, nothing more than friends, but she has an awesome name and she is honest about being bad, and i like her humour and she is intelligent and speaks english with a beautiful accent of her own and is part indian and pretty.. intelligent for a thailand girl.  well on the visit to the country i realized the girls are the more intelligent ones.  the guys all crowd together in one part of the house (the houses in the country are like ewok tree houses made by themselves and above ground, fairly open to the out) and the girls in the other, the girls gossiping and cooking and cleaning up the mess of the guys drinking and making a racket in kareoki... and bloody hell, they listen to nik noy (young) girl music and love it, but what the fuck.  i was a bit over it the first day before the next day waking up to the complete chaos of sounds and having the mosquito net pulled from over our bed, noone understood why i began to laugh like a mad man and i covered my face.  the night before we went to a magic guy who told wassana and beou her neice with us what their futures will be... beou explains it is like the tarot, and a "personal belief", after calling a friend for an english interpretation.   i explain most of them want money and are frauds in the west but maybe some of them are for real, they knew i was upset to see the money going to a man who all i saw do was splash water and throw rice at us... :P  the next day (after the chaotic awakening) we went straight to the ritual buddha thing and it just reminded me of the group minded pleasantness of christian holy days.  dunno if they were more interested in me the wally (falang) in the crowd or the monks, and the monks gave me some looks, i think they knew i saw through much of the bullshit..... atleast i like to think they felt some guilt about the system.  i'd like to see some of the younger men who are more rebellious about this.... i can see it in the faces... stand up and leave or make a fuss.  you could make do with this system as necessary but im more optimistic about human potential and believe we should cease this infant / parental bullshit and try to grow some balls of our own about being good and knowing the truth and all that shit ya know.  it might take some aggressive ego, channeled into a good, growing, uhm anyway sorry... just channelling some of my own at the moment, sis!!! ;)
     
    yeah so the guys were all a bit infantile and like max said retarded but i feel bad to say so because they were so good to me when they took me out of my book and into the drinking circle and they are very honest, one said to wassana he can see i am very clean and he is impressed, and he is very proud of knowing a few english words, there was one who couldn't talk english but wrote a little and said that he loves me while he grabbed his dick but i think he was not conscious.  ive seen other thai people get excited and start rubbing off without knowing it... i was suspiscious but wassana said they are just very friendly.   the women kept looking over at us a bit embarassed about their country men methinks but it was all ok until the hang over and the sight of the king.
     
    i am, sometimes wanting everything to just fuck off and leave me alone, but i do not like to be alone for long, i just need to have space and im still keen to make the world a different place whether that takes murder or magick... cause im going crazy being on the receiving end.
     
    have a good one!

    the fabric begins to tear
    and i don't really care
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