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Integral Parenting Thread!

Last post 04-11-2007, 11:13 PM by miriam. 161 replies.
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  •  06-01-2006, 3:41 PM 83

    • gail is not online. Last active: 08/24/2008, 9:48 PM gail
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    Integral Parenting Thread!

    How do you apply AQAL to parenting? 
    What advice can you offer others about parenting in a way that's Integrally Informed?
    What questions do you have that you'd like suggestions on?

    Post in reponse to this thread, and let's share the wealth of insight out there!

    PS:  Forum Facilitators wanted - email gail@integralinstitute.org
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  •  06-23-2006, 1:30 PM 368 in reply to 83

    • gjplsc is not online. Last active: 05-10-2008, 7:28 AM gjplsc
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    Integral parent education

    I have tried to post this reply twice without luck.  I will try once more.

     

    I am encouraged to see a forum dedicated to integral parenting.  Thanks Gail for moderating.

     

    I work with a family support organization that, among other supports, facilitates parent education programs for families recovering from addictions, family violence and/or children in state custody.  In addition, I teach frontline social workers the practices of family support and development.  Several of us in our organization have been attempting to generate and implement what we hope are integral practices for our work.

     

    We face several issues.  In issue is, I’m always wondering if I am really headed in the right direction.  Another issue is related to the first.  We often feel isolated, because when we have discussed an integral approach to social work and parent education to colleagues, we often get polite smiles or blank states.  I belong to a parent education organization that hosts a listserve.  Several weeks ago I tried to get a conversation going about Robert Kegan’s developmental model of unfolding orders of consciousness, and the implications for parent education practice.  I received not one reply.  Now this listserv is full of university types.  One would think someone would take the time to at least write and say I’m crazy.  Yikes!!

     

    Enough whining.  I have used presented the AQAL model to the social workers I teach with some positive results.  A worker reported she used the model with a parent to map the parent’s strategy for getting her GED.  Using the AQAL diagram, this parent mapped her strengths and challenges, and worked on ways of overcoming her challenges that covered as many bases as she could.  I believe she has the diagram on her refrigerator door.  AQAL in public housing, it just makes me smile.   

     

    I have also introduced AQAL to some parent education classes.  I have taken an issue presented by a parent, and used AQAL to describe the different aspects of the issue.  The parents mostly get it, and can see solutions more clearly.  The genius of that diagram is that it can be both simple and complex as needed.  I also introduce several mindfulness practices to my groups.  The result is that these groups more quickly can make what was once subject, parenting thoughts and behaviors, now and object of exploration.  I’ve had some successes and some failures.  Real life is complex and messy.

     

    I know I have just scratched the surface of the possibilities of an integral social work and parent education.  I hope we can get more discussion her about generating practices out of integral theory.  Thanks.

     

    Gary    

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  •  06-23-2006, 9:15 PM 411 in reply to 368

    Re: Integral parent education

    Hi,

    I am a married at-home-dad of four. (yeah, yikes!) Not just integral parenting but "integral family" is on my mind. I honestly feel that second tier is the next best hope for family as -ta da-an integral part of parenting and community and fostering an integral society. How else? How else to nurture the future of evolution but where it starts presently? And what better place to begin to unravel the problems faced by all of humanity and the fulfillment of the Bodhisattva Vow?

    These are just (hopefully) inspiring words and a How do ya do? to this thread.

    I look forward to some fruitful discussions f the Spirit is with us.

    Love and Peace

    Tim

    PS, okay actually I do have a few more things to say. I myself spent 12 ardent years teaching children -from creative workshops to afterschool and daycare programs. What is interesting, though, is that despite the fact that I was convinced I was going to be the best parenting father ever on the face of the earth (or one of them) because of this and all I had learned . . . that was like playing in a sprinkler, this is getting hit with a fire hose. Talk about starting at square one.

    But I will throw this out there now.

    Whenever we enter a "new world" we literally start out at square one in that "world.' This mean, I believe literally, that as parents we grow up with our children (or at least with the first one) no matter what. The beginning is a sensorimotor beige (a la SDi) where we are just rather . . . well  . . . and we move quickly (I think) to the preoperational/magical/purple phase, where it is all rather magical, but we quickly also realize we do not know what on earth we are doing. (If anyone has been spared this I would like to know.) Following there is indeed a red-egoic phase, perhaps our parenting terrible-two's. This does not necessarily mean we are throwing tantrums all the time and pinching people we are mad at, but we do start to think -what about me? And this is a legitimate concern.

    Unfortunately, this is where I think the more recent Green parenting paradigm leaves off. That is to say, the Green parenting paradigm does not like rules, roles, structures and responsibilities and everything and anything having to do with blue. This is where second tier parenting HAS to come in -and offering not an ethno-centric, bigoted, narrow, us vs. them -you get the idea -blue, which is fighting back with a vengeance these past few years in America -but with a world-centric-kosmo-centric blue, that offers the right discipline, rules of cooperation, healthy "self-sacrifice" in service and value of others, MANNERS, and all those other lovely things that have almost utterly been lost (at least in America) and provide all of the FOUNDATION for future growth beyond a narcissistic ego.

    I believe I am really pretty much in this phase and it is in alignment with my two oldest now 8,9 (birthday tomorrow for the 9!). I want this, however, to move to where my own (blue) parents very sadly left off; that is, orange personal achievement values and sense of earning healthy self esteem, taking care of one’s self etc. From there, hopefully to a healthy green and on into second tier . . . if God is willing.

    But maybe this is second tier, integral parenting: simply knowing the conveyor belt! And yes, our children do raise us as I’m sure you all know. (But we’re smarter tee hee hee Yes, we are . . . I hope!)

    AQAL-wise, is another story, but we could certainly suffice to say that this gives us A LOT of perspectival information about how we all work as families and parents/children. We are our children’s LL and UR in large part (and obviously provide the LR in whatever form).

     

    That is, UR (exterior/physical/scientific) if we are biological parents. Interestingly, my oldest in not my biological. But let me tell you the cultural influence of LL is MAJOR -the "nurture" side of nature/nurture. We do not share "natures" but she has taken on my "nurture" like I could never have imagined. Saying things exactly like me, doing things like me, "being" my various emotional state tendencies. Wow.

     

    It is also interesting that I am finding myself quite forced to reconcile my own family issues (as in the family that raised me) as I become more of a parent. This is a good thing and another road to personal balance, humanity, openness and transformation.

    So, there's some thoughts. Gosh, guess I got inspired.

    I am a parent, so I am busy.

    Love to all

    Tim

     


    "With whom or with what are you in communion at this moment?"
    . . ."I?" he replied, almost mechanically. "Why not with anyone or anything."
    "You must be a marvel . . . if you are able to continue in that state for long."
    -Constantin Stanislavsky
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  •  06-24-2006, 7:26 AM 425 in reply to 411

    • gjplsc is not online. Last active: 05-10-2008, 7:28 AM gjplsc
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    Re: Integral parent education

    Tim,

     

    Thanks for joining the conversation.  You are correct to point out the importance of the conveyer belt and that we start at square one. 

     

    Many parents, myself included, have fallen in the trap of believing we can protect our children from pain by preventing the consequences of the choices of their behavior during a stage of growth.  Parents often express this idea to me saying, “I’m going to prevent my kids from making the same mistakes I did.”

     

    As in Soko Morinaga’s wonderful little book Novice to Master: an Ongoing Lesson in the Extent of My Own Stupidity, let me describe a tale from annals of my stupid parenting beliefs and behaviors.  Having seen the damage caused by women being overly dependent on men, I was determined to see my girls grow up to become strong independent women.  I very naively thought I could prevent them from becoming “boy crazy.”  Despite my best efforts, when they reached middle school they fell under the boy crazy spell!  When I stopped beating myself with “Where did I go wrong,” I realized that boy craziness is an UR expression of an UL stage of development., and there current over fascination with boys does not mean they will not grow up to be strong independent women.

     

    That may seem obvious from a distance, but in the middle of a particular parenting situation parents often can not draw upon a detached or integral perspective.  An integral parenting might be helpful in pointing out the relationship between UL stage and UR behavior.  When one adds to that a LL and LR perspective, I think and hope, parents might be in a better position to monitor if UR behavior is an appropriate expression for that stage. 

     

    I feel so new at attempting to express these issues integrally that I wonder if what I’m saying makes any sense.  Thanks for sharing your experiences.

     

    Gary
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  •  06-24-2006, 10:05 AM 426 in reply to 425

    Re: Integral parent education

    Gary,

    Well, I am glad for this thread because finally, last night, something clicked over into "lightbulb" mode and I am currently writing up notes in a flurry of inspiration. It's one of those things like, Why did this take me so long? So many things start to become so obvious.

    Parenting is AQAL already-what we need is to realize how. We can really create a fantastic orienting map of the territory-that is universal- in ways that are simple, yet never really been done before.

    I am writing up notes of how often parenting is seen as a "one quad" affair. For example, the only quadrant we really have full control over is the LR socio-techno-economic. That is the ONLY one we can fully control, the others we only have influence and continual interaction, guidance etc. (This right there shows how it is true we do not "shape and mold" our children like clay or robots, but at the same time we very much do. More on this later.) But it is quite easy to note how quite popular it is to essentially "run to the LR" quad for the solution to the parenting conundrum. e.g. if we just have enough money, we'll be all set.

    There's a lot more, but let me also just note that I realized how traditionally it has been very common (and still is) for the Father to be lord of the LR and Mother to be overseer of the UR. What I mostly mean by that is how often, even now, we can see parents, moms and dads, essentially pigeonholing themselves (or each other) in these quads either as their only job or as the place they run to when in doubt-which is often. (The father is obvious, but the mother is more subtle. I used to see this all the time when I taught kids: Are you sick Do you need food? Are you cold? Wear your coat! etc. as if this is the only thing they know how to do. What happens so often is neglect of the other quads.)

    For another quick example after your post; it's just a matter of being aware of where the quads are, what their content is and what sorts of things originate in each quad.

    One extremely important principal that "hit" me last night is how, say, a problem in one quad affects all the others.

    For example, a young girl hitting puberty. This is an UR affair -that is also inevitable. The science has also shown (and continues to) how greatly this influences the UL -not just with "boy craziness" or girl craziness, but with confusion, reactivity all kinds of things. And then, yes, you are right to finally realize "this is not my fault!"; your confusion being basically a LL affect in the overall situation.

    How common it is for parents to blame either themselves or their children during this stage. "Why wont you hug me!" says the parent. "Why did you change? You used to be so sweet!"Stick out tongue [:P]

    I remember my grandmother saying this to me. Only when I got older did I finally realize . . . I was being a jerk.

     Okay, enough for now.

     

    (Later I will post some links to thread I started on IN, just to perhaps further stimulate ideas and discussion.)

     


    "With whom or with what are you in communion at this moment?"
    . . ."I?" he replied, almost mechanically. "Why not with anyone or anything."
    "You must be a marvel . . . if you are able to continue in that state for long."
    -Constantin Stanislavsky
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  •  06-25-2006, 5:34 PM 462 in reply to 426

    Re: Integral parent education

    Notes On Integral Parenting (1)

    The basic practice of Integral (AQAL) Parenting should simply follow the basic structure of Integral Life Practice:

    Excercise Body, Mind, Soul and Spirit in Self, Culture and Nature everyday.

    So as a parent the aim should be to nurture, teach, guide, participate, share with and encourage  our children to excercise body, mind, soul and spirit, everyday or as often as possible in self, culture and nature.

    The practice of this in such a relationship should be nothing short of a vibrant and rich ILP in itself. In fact, in pretty much all circumstances that already takes care of the "we."

    This simple idea should be more than enough of a good place to start.

    (Why in the world did I not think of it before?)

    More notes (specifically on AQAL and SD, etc.) to come.

    "With whom or with what are you in communion at this moment?"
    . . ."I?" he replied, almost mechanically. "Why not with anyone or anything."
    "You must be a marvel . . . if you are able to continue in that state for long."
    -Constantin Stanislavsky
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  •  06-26-2006, 8:50 AM 478 in reply to 462

    • yeshe is not online. Last active: 03-03-2008, 2:29 AM yeshe
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    Re: Integral parent education

    Hello my friends,

    I am so glad to see this thread here, And so happy, Tim, to see your ILP take on this. As an ILP addict with two kids, this resonates with me.

    I think my urge in this first post is to share my take on the lower left quadrant.

    My twins are ten years old, and they spend half their time living with me (in a household that combines a mishmash of British, Swedish, American, Flemish and Hungarian cultures) and half the time with their Dad (in a household with predominantly Swedish/American (severely anti-Bush) culture with overtones of Dutch/Surinam and Bulgarian...). They go to a European school with nine different language sections, themselves being in the Swedish section, and we live in Brussels, which is a city with a unique monoculture and a huge multiculture (EU, Nato, many international businesses).

    To make matters more complicated, they were born into a family which isn't typically nuclear - they have always seen people coming in, staying for a short or long time, becoming part of the family in whatever way they choose to participate, then leaving again (or not...). Currently in my household there are three children (including my two) and four adults (five at weekends)...

    So I can say that the LL quadrant provides plenty of challenges and as intelligent and well-intentioned parents, my husband and I (separated but still married) are quite clear about giving them a strong meta-message: there is no right way of doing things in the world. However, wherever you are, you can expect there to be a way that things are done. So the first thing you do when you go into a new environment is observe and find out what the rules are that you should play by.

    All in all, it makes my kids very flexible and quite reasonable (except, sometimes, in their relations with each other!). In spiritual terms, too, the poor little tykes have plenty of challenges. They frequent the Scandinavian church (because their dad likes singing in the choir) and their mum's a practicing buddhist so they are on hugging terms with a tibetan lama... and understand that whatever it's all about, there's always more than one way of doing it.

    this is a great thread!

    Helen

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  •  06-26-2006, 1:03 PM 494 in reply to 462

    Re: Integral parent education

    Yo Tim!

    As a dad of six total (one stepdaughter, one child with my first wife, four with my wife Kim), I think you've got a great start. Parenting is a wonderful spiritual sadhana - one of the best ways I know to practice patience and compassion and respect for development levels in the heat of the moment.

    I think any Integral approach to parenting must look at it from both the perspectives of development of the self and development of the other. In the course of helping our children ascend the levels of their own development, we learn so much about ourselves. Parenting is as much a crucible for personal development as relationships are.

    Look forward to seeing more of your thoughts on this.

    http://pagan-bodhisattva.zaadz.com/
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  •  06-26-2006, 4:34 PM 520 in reply to 494

    Re: Integral parent education

    Hey Jay, thanks. I really am working on those "notes" -some exactly the topic you just desribed and how it looks from AQAL (after all, all quads, all levels and their complex interactions)- you're an inpiration.

    SIX!

    LOL.

    That's an inspiration right there. (And also considering that my wife is determined to have at least one more.)

    Mor people keep joining in! And more later.

     

    Tim

     


    "With whom or with what are you in communion at this moment?"
    . . ."I?" he replied, almost mechanically. "Why not with anyone or anything."
    "You must be a marvel . . . if you are able to continue in that state for long."
    -Constantin Stanislavsky
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  •  06-27-2006, 12:48 PM 553 in reply to 520

    Re: Integral parent education

    Hey All,

    I’d love to be making more and faster progress on this . . . only trouble is, whoops, I’m a parent!

    (Latest current event: teaching my son (2yrs.) that crayola colored markers, a product of the rational-industrial revolution, were not meant to be used for tribal tattoos and war paint.)

    At any rate I want to throw this thought out here for today:

    Notes on Integral Parenting (2)

    Evolution has given us Prepersonal Parenting (the instinctual, affective evolutionary roots; generally purple), Egocentric Parenting (still very prevalent in today’s world-red), Ethnocentric Parenting (traditionally blue), most recently Worldcentric Parenting (Orange and Green). But the rarest bird of all, perhaps even nonexistent up until now and the one that there has perhaps even been a historical prejudice against is the one which is the most imperative to start developing, exploring, realizing and bringing about in larger numbers: Kosmocentric Parenting

    And what I mean by that fully is parenting which includes and is authentically centered upon genuinely realized Unio-Mystico.

    Much Food for thought.

    Tim

    "With whom or with what are you in communion at this moment?"
    . . ."I?" he replied, almost mechanically. "Why not with anyone or anything."
    "You must be a marvel . . . if you are able to continue in that state for long."
    -Constantin Stanislavsky
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  •  06-27-2006, 1:51 PM 557 in reply to 553

    Re: Integral parent education

    Greetings Y'all! (I love how integral has validated the use of 2nd Person Plural)

    I think that this is one of the most important issues in Integral theory, and unfortunately KW has no children.  Well maybe it is fortunate, so he will leave something for us to figure out on our own. Stick out tongue [:P]Big Smile [:D]

    Why should parenting matter? Because we are all raising the first 2nd Tier Generation in human history (enter dramatic music)

    I should admit that I am a father of a son who turns 3 on sunday (having a Cars birthday party) and have a wife 4 months + pregnant.  Before this pregnancy we had a miscarriage of a baby at 3 months, (miscarriage, abortion, and child death would make a great seperate thread, so I won't elaborate).

    So a couple things worth talking about; Integral is great in that it allows us to take the Parent and the child into account.. I feel like a lot of pop parenting is mostly a reduction of the parent into the child, or maybe even vice versa. So how do we allow ourselves to be good parents without martyring ourselves. (No, I mean totally martying ourselves).  I think that there is a tendancy in todays parents to get lost in their childrens lives, to live through them and repress their own needs and interests wholly to their kids.  Of course a partial ego-death is involved with having a child, ..

    "Oh you thought your were going to sit down for one second, WAAAAAAAAAAA" said one local newborn.

    Giving it all up to/for your kids is also profoundly liberating, for Big Mind, but I think that I have also seen many examples of pathological relationships, mother- child for example.

    And what about projecting our own fears and shadows into our kids.

    Another topic worth mentioning is the problem of dealing with our kids in develpmentally appropriate ways.   I think that there is SO MUCH Boomeritis parenting going on, (especially in liberal college towns, like where I live).

    I mean we all know that recyling is great, but how much green meme is really appropriate to shove down a kids throat?

    Ok, in the interest of not writing too much,

    Its great to be here!
    Idea [I]Wink [;)]

    Ben

    "Should it matter that my mind won't fit back in my head" -S. Davis
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  •  06-30-2006, 1:15 PM 676 in reply to 83

    Re: Integral Parenting Thread!

    one of my favorite books on raising children mindfully is susan striker's "please touch".

    it is a very demanding selflessness that is required of a parent to think of herself or himself as NOT responsible for determining what kind of person the child will become.  to me, parents should provide the "water and sunshine" and the child will healthfully "grow and bloom" to their full potential.

    pardon me if i'm taking too strong of a position here, but shadow elements start building up in children when their natural curiosities and creativities result in negative experiences.  natural curiosity should be rewarded with positive feedback.

    if i don't want my 1967 vintage beatles album scratched, i store it out of view.  otherwise, a spinning album does, in fact, make an excellent racetrack for a hot wheels car.  that's curiosity at work and is quite creative.  hence, "please touch."

    later,

    gene

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  •  07-01-2006, 9:57 AM 717 in reply to 676

    • gjplsc is not online. Last active: 05-10-2008, 7:28 AM gjplsc
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    Re: Integral Parenting Thread!

    Good Morning All,

     

    What a wonderful group of people and posts.  I know it is way too easy to allow our parenting role to consume us.  As parents limits must be placed on both our children, for their safety, and on our parenting, for our sanity.  Households that are entirely child centered are not happy places.  Adulthood is obviously not an end state.  We are also responsible for our own growth hopefully using an ILP.  That work takes both time and energy.  If we can use it, our children provide enough grist for the mill to keep that process going.

     

    Another aspect of parenting that I must remind myself over and over again is that children are starting at square one.  My hope is to become a bridge for my children to grow into second tier adults, but today my five year old is a demanding egocentric child.  No one skips over stages, but there are days when I wish she could and would.

     

    Tim, I’m sure your two old understood your reasoning concerning the proper use of markers.  It is a vital point you bring up.  We need to match the message to the developmental stage of the listener.  In my parenting classes, I want to facilitate from a second tier yellow (SD), but mostly I am working with families that possess a blue/orange, ethnocentric center of gravity.  I am always wondering if I am hitting the right combination of acceptance, compassion and challenge to help them grow.  Thanks to all for the conversation.

     

    Gary 

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  •  07-02-2006, 4:59 PM 765 in reply to 717

    Re: Integral Parenting Thread!

    gjplsc:

    Good Morning All,

     

     I want to facilitate from a second tier yellow (SD), but mostly I am working with families that possess a blue/orange, ethnocentric center of gravity.  I am always wondering if I am hitting the right combination of acceptance, compassion and challenge to help them grow. 

     

    Gary,

     

    One of several vital points you bring up, I think that "right combination" of acceptence, compassion and challenge is a vital key to Integral Parenting also.

     

    A quick note, for the moment: first I think SD is an extremely valuable tool for parenting (and for your work teacher better parenting skills) becasue values is such a major part, to the point that we might even define "parenting" as values.

     

    I will have more to say on this later, but that SD vMeme "center of gravity" not only almost entirely defines "parenting style," but very heavily defines what it means to be a "grown-up." That, in turn is going to define so much of what is imparted to children, and very heavily influence how far up the spiral they will grow.

     

    For example, what is the Red idea of a "grown-up?" Suffice to say it is very un-advanced and immature; that you can "look out" for yourself is about the extent of it. Incidentally, this is where I myself, as a teacher, and many other people I have known involved in social works and so forth reach a great point of frustration. I think of a man I knew who was very dedicated to having an impact on inner city gangs and so forth. I will never forget him saying "The kids are fine! We can handle the kids! It's the adults that are the problem. I can teach them all I want, but when they go home their parents exemplify everything I sought to un-teach!" Basically, this describes a situation where the "grown-up," adult and (if we call it that) "parenting" center of gravity is red or still preconventional.

     

    There are other ways that parenting can remain egocentric, but the main point is that children will literally gravitate towards that center of gravity of their parents, and it will likewise act as a certain center of gravity pulling them back if they begin to grow beyond.

     

    Which leads me to an important point: Our own parent’s center of gravity is going to influence our parenting style in a number of different ways. I am endeavoring to expatiate on this point and will share all I come up with later, but suffice to say for now, I think we always have to consider not just two generations (as in parent-child) but at least three because that third or “last one back” is one way or another going to have a great impact on us as parents.

     

    (Incidentally, one of the way is with a point that Gene and Ben already brought up, which is the Shadow; there are going to be many direct links between what shadows we may potentially impart to our children and our own parents.)

     

    But back to the center of gravity for a moment, just to elaborate a little:

     

    A blue center of gravity represents conventional parenting as we most often know it with it conventional –or blue-ideas are going to define what it means to be grown-up. At least one negative tendency to this one, however, would be to heavy-handed control, rule, roles to fulfill and so forth.

     

    Orange, individuality and achievement will define what it means to be grown-up and/or the imparting of those values will tend to define success as a parent. A common downside to this is an over-emphasis on over-achievement. This one is responsible for the recent advent of what became known as “hyper-parenting” where somewhere , in the end, there is no time to “be a kid.”

     

    Green may define many wonderful qualities of post-conventional understanding, that will be imparted to children and children will gravitate towards, however, the great danger of green is that it is too unconventional or shuns all conventional values. What this means, is that there is great difficulty growing out of purple and red . . . .

     

    If there is one thing that might define second tier parenting, it would have to be that while there might be some general idea of what it means to be grown-up, it is realized that growth needn’t ever stop!

     

    That has got to be one great key.



    All of this may help to illuminate or in part define what I think is so important a point I must put it as

    Notes on Integral Parenting (3):

    Maturity in the Upper Right does not in any way guarantee maturity in the UL.

    An UR physical "grown-up" in no way necessarily implies an UL grown up.

    As parents both past, present and future, making this differentiation correctly may be the one of the most important distinctions we ever make. A grown up physical body means only a grown up physical body.

    We could also relate this same to the LR - legal age of 18 (as in the USA) does not necessarily in any way mean maturity.

    I don't mean to put a "pressure" instilling idea out there, but in a way both the UR and LR have certain very important and vital clocks ticking for us as parents, in many, many ways . . .


    ***********************************************

     

    All for now. (Kids need me!!!) I am still working on all this but results may be slow in coming. (Also, we will be leaving town for two weeks at the end of this week.) But keep this topic alive!

     

    Tim

     

     


    "With whom or with what are you in communion at this moment?"
    . . ."I?" he replied, almost mechanically. "Why not with anyone or anything."
    "You must be a marvel . . . if you are able to continue in that state for long."
    -Constantin Stanislavsky
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  •  07-03-2006, 7:43 AM 797 in reply to 765

    Re: Integral Parenting Thread!

    that's a great point---that we are still growing as people ("beginner's mind is never outgrown").  what that means to me, in practice, is that when my 3 yr old son does something that is unexpected or different or "against the rules" of society, i try to stay mindful and be conscious of whether his actions are "different" because of my own acculturation and familial "training" or is it really objectively unhealthy.  in this way, i learn from my son how i've been conditioned, and i can grow.  also, i have more patience by showing him my example without demanding that he be like me, with the goal that he will choose what's best when he's ready. 

    keeping that in mind, a child will not really outgrow earlier stages unless those stages have been fully lived and explored to THE CHILD'S satisfaction.  each child develops at their own pace and will truly transform when they have come to that point under their own impetus, not when their parents decide.  outwardly, they may act in a way that pleases parents (expert as they are at detecting what parents want from them), but when they become adults these frustrated early explorations may resurface due to neglect at earlier development appropriate stages.

     

    later,

    gene

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