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Narcissism, Homosexuality and Being in Love With Your Shadow

Last post 11-08-2007, 8:03 AM by justinrev. 4 replies.
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  •  11-06-2007, 4:01 PM 31416

    Narcissism, Homosexuality and Being in Love With Your Shadow

    There is this guy and he’s hot and he says he loves me. He says he loves me and he cares about me “more than just a friend” and that he’s thought about kissing me.

    I think he feels that way but I don’t think he really means it. What I mean is that he doesn’t want to put his money where his mouth is. To put it another way, he doesn’t want to put his money in my mouth.

    But he feels a great vibe when he is around me and I feel a great vibe when I am around him.

    This is so confusing. Have I lost myself in some illusion? Is that why I keep dreaming of spiders building webs under the hood of my car? Spiders that emit magical, enchanting holosync frequencies and glow green like spaceships from a 1950's comic book?

    Where Am I? What crazed corner of consciousness have I danced into now?

    This is better than where I was a year ago, but there is a depth of emotion that at times is unbearable in its intensity. It is is so hot it's cold, so satisfying it's painful. This is self contraction contracting upon itself in infinite ripples of self-liberating torment.

    How can I be truthful and show up and what is the correct response. How can I shift these feelings, transform Eros into Agape...? And why in God's name are we talking about moving in with each other?

    I don't feel like a good little boddhisatva today; I'm smiling but mischieviously. Translate that for the homosexual community, Alanis.
    This is self contraction contracting upon itself in infinite ripples of self-liberating torment.
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  •  11-07-2007, 6:48 AM 31462 in reply to 31416

    Re: Narcissism, Homosexuality and Being in Love With Your Shadow

    Maybe I'm the god damned spider.
    This is self contraction contracting upon itself in infinite ripples of self-liberating torment.
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  •  11-08-2007, 5:57 AM 31524 in reply to 31416

    Re: Narcissism, Homosexuality and Being in Love With Your Shadow

    Hi J,

     

    >>>This is so confusing. Have I lost myself in some illusion? Is that why I keep dreaming of spiders building webs under the hood of my car? Spiders that emit magical, enchanting holosync frequencies and glow green like spaceships from a 1950's comic book?<<<  

     

    Sorting things out is not always easy. But gay or strait certain ‘rules’ seem to apply to the human condition in general. What caught my attention in your post was reference to confusion; a condition i have learned to see as a red flag. Here is a link to my blog that outlines how it may be related to a loss of innocence.

     

    http://charles-on-redbridge.blogspot.com/2007/02/confusion-and-innocense.html

     

    Warmly,

     

    Charles

    88W18'28" 41N58'02"

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  •  11-08-2007, 7:58 AM 31530 in reply to 31524

    Re: Narcissism, Homosexuality and Being in Love With Your Shadow

    Confusion is present, big time. It's hot and cold, up and down... I thought I had mentioned that this guy who says he loves me and wonders what it would be like to kiss Justin is straight. And I really think he is straight, wired for women... but there are so many mixed signals. Wired for women but romantically involved with a man, is that possible? How do I define this? I want so badly to define this, to put my finger on the boundary so it stops moving. You are right about confusion Charles, it is a red flag. Perhaps I should just walk away, lean into the fear of what that would mean. But I don't want to walk away, I want to walk into him.
    This is self contraction contracting upon itself in infinite ripples of self-liberating torment.
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  •  11-08-2007, 8:03 AM 31531 in reply to 31530

    Re: Narcissism, Homosexuality and Being in Love With Your Shadow

    I feel like I'm starring in fucking brokeback mountain.
    This is self contraction contracting upon itself in infinite ripples of self-liberating torment.
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