(i added this right here after i finished----don't know how much of a speil this turned into, sometimes i just write and write, thanks for reading....and uh....sorry...length you know, ther's alot to read in the world, one mans blog is.....anyway. (oh yeah i'm not a person, i'm the combination of penguin and pandas milk when they are heated to a boil----the evaporated mist off of it.....yup that's me.....and that just makes me even more ridiculous.....God bless ya witz78 and figtreehillchiro)
First off, I really thank you two for responding.
To tell you the truth, after reading--or while reading both---I broke uncontrollably into tears---especially when the words "i am here for a "we" space" resonated with me with the impact of a tidal wave---and the tears came like a tidal wave----what's weird is it felt good---i think i am the pathological feminine (the small degree to which i understand some of it).....
Why?
The tears, the pain---comes uncontrollably out of nowhere---at odd times. I think i try to repress, tell myself i am fine and good to move on, but i miss her so much. And here's the rub.....she cheated on me while i was up north in the bush working away (....the bush....makes it sound "hardcore".....I was baking muffins out there for god sakes lol!) Now, I wanted to move on from this subject....to have a bit more of an objective eye towards this...something like...the effects of relationships on integral consciousness, specifically the regressionary principles that seperation from a feminine/masculine energy may trigger in such a being......I didn't want this so much to center around me or my issues (or maybe i do....shadow egocentricity??) Nor do i want to bore anyone with my issues.....or real long posts (sorry, i get redundant)
This is the thing(s)....................my life is still centered around her (this is why i say pathological femine is me) I have more drive than ever, to start a company, be a success, reach my goals.........not for me though, still for her. So i can, you know (this is horrible....but human....all too human) flaunt, have her green with envy as she sees what she losts, so she feels horrible about what she did......that she wants me back so bad and i tell her it can't happen (so maybe part of the problem comes from my need to be needed???) Strange right? My world revolves around her still! My drive is still a result of the motivation i recieve indirectly from her. When a women (sorry, femine energy) is embedded in an abusive relationship (like she was with the guy she was with for two years prior to me....he was majorlly abusive--drug dealing....red memish type cat--------which by the way was the guy she cheated on me with) ---when a women is embedded in the relationship, it consumes her absolutley, she's all communion no agency---no autonomy------that was her with this guy....and now thats me with her.........I-R-O-N-I-C??????
It's more ironic. Six years ago i broke up with her (we dated for 2 weeks) ... specifically because i felt she had co-depandancy issues.....that she was pathologically feminine (i know it was wrong to break up with her over that but i was young and thought it was the best thing to do for her) I hoped she would gain some autonomy (deida's 2nd stage in relationship development) ...... and be healthy and happy in her future relationships..............6 years later she's having trouble on and off with her current boyfriend of two years (abusive pig cheated on her, hit her , and caused her a misscarriage) .....and their done for good........i see her growing her own legs....ready to walk on her own "i don't need a man" (i'm like....."you go girl" this is what i had been waiting for) My theory is that she was in that transitional state from stage one (egocentric co-dependancy) to stage two (individual autonomy) .......and there i am (thinking i am high and mighty integral consciousness boy yada yada yada....when hey!! DEVELOPMENTAL STREAMS DEVELOP INDEPENDANTLY!!!!! BECAUSE COGNITIVE OR SPIRITUAL LINES ARE.....HIGER (ER).....DOESN'T MEAN YOUR RELATIONSHIP LINE IS! So this is where it gets weird.......i became what i left her for 6 years ago...in hopes that she would grow out of it......then i became that (more or less) 6 years later!!?! And then she left me (it was a contributing factor at least) for the same reason!!!!!! And here i sit devastated in shambles. { Also, i fell in love with all her flaws, they were all perfect to me. I mean, she wasn't the typical kind of girl i'm into at least on the....intellectual/spiritual level.....she's really a party/barstar type girl.....and i just loved her for EXACTLY who she was....no change needed......when i never thought i'd be into a girl like that, that she would have to be, you know----at least into youga or enviromentalism....you know, just a lil smidgin integral. I think that this is where such strong femine energy can be so captivating, i was lost in her. So yeah, intense femine energy and a whole lotta pathologiacl issues within myself and her.....well, you get the picture.}
I dated her for two weeks six years ago, that was the only relationship i had up until seeing her again six years later. She was the only girl i ever decided to give my heart to (i've had fears of being in relationship that may stem from abandonment issues as a child)
So thats...part of my big speil. Kind of exhausted after writing/thinking about it. But i know it's good to get out. And hey, it's kind of interesting to anybody interested in....well....whatever it is :-)
On another note, witz78----thanks. You message was great. I'm happy you reasonated in some way with what i wrote, and that you FELT it. It means a hellofalot to me. Thanks for deciding to reply, the compliments/reply in general really made me feel good, and i know i need that. In times like this (i feel like an idiot for saying that-----there's people suffering from malnutrition....and my issues are "feelings")....it's times like this that make me want to reach out and help others in some way. And i certainly thank the fine people in this whole community, and especially you two for responding to me, from the bottom of my heart---because care....Care....is truly a beautifull thing....
And the fact that that quote was from a move about hookers......Hillarious!
May peace ferment.....as if it were never there