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Back to Justin

Last post 09-12-2007, 2:27 AM by pelleB. 61 replies.
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  •  09-20-2006, 8:21 AM 8535

    Back to Justin

    I quit my job and it was very tense and I did not go gently into that good night.  I never do...

    I just wish that I had a stronger (integral) sense of who I am so that I could be more certain about the choices I make.  But I'm not going to acquire a strong sense of myself within the context that has (had) become my life.  Although that context is lacking in equanimity as a result of what is projected into it by an angry mind.  This is the strangest paradox I know of: that meaning doesn't reside in objects but emerges in interactions between the subject and the object.  Serenity can't be faxed, photocopied or scanned into consciousness; it is lived in the way we respond to the stimuli that we create with our perceptions (and our perceptions always contain the framework for our responses, do they not?).  Serenity is an action in the emptiness between stimulus and response.

    I was told that I was ungrateful and that the VP was "thoroughly disappointed on a number of levels" particularly in light of everything that had transpired between the company and me and everything that the company had done for me.  As though I'd never invested anything in the company, never worked hard to create growth, never gone above and beyond the call of duty.  I can say that I did all those things but I'm not sure how much it matters in the end anyway.  People only remember the end and the end was not pretty.  It was a redolent, unceremonious - and might I say somewhat sophisticated - dish called Salga Con Gajones but it was not pretty.  It was messy and I regret it on some level but at the same time I identify with the mess that I created as part of myself and with the fact that it was an expression of the way I felt. 

    But one is supposed to be restricted from feeling that way - certainly from expressing feelings like that - while perched on the corporate ladder.  One is usually restricted from having feelings at all as they tend to get in the way of the work that needs to be done.

    Well, today the only work that needs to be done is to get back to Justin.  That is probably going to take a while.
    ssenmai
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  •  09-20-2006, 3:42 PM 8608 in reply to 8535

    • wicke is not online. Last active: 04 May 2007, 4:29 AM wicke
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    Re: Back to Justin

    i hope you find and transcend and find and transcend dude. Best wishes, Wicke

    mornin' sunshine
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  •  09-21-2006, 12:28 AM 8675 in reply to 8535

    Re: Back to Justin

    You are not alone, Justin. We're all here also....
    Time to fall back onto your Self more deeply?

    ____________________
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  •  09-21-2006, 8:52 AM 8710 in reply to 8675

    Re: Back to Justin

    hey justin dude,

    we live, we learn, eh?  heck, i never heard the word "integral",  . back in the day when i worked in a factory and  was called a "lawyer" behind my back , because i stood up for a woman, who sobbed and shook , while sharing  with me her pain... the click of women she was working with (same machine/station) gave her the snickering at n' silent treatment ....and in her words,  "i don't know why they are like that but i'm afraid of them" ....i had a hunch why, she was a jehova's witness lady. the sweetest ,  kindest soul, a single mother of 3 , working her guts out  at a factory.

     she didn't ask me to do anything, but i could NOT,  do nothing! i knew exactly what the click was all about. was friendly with everyone of them....so i spoke to the oldest of 'em and said d. said she was afraid of them ,   was shaking and crying , very upset and didn't know why they didn't like her .

     the woman seemed genuinly perplexed...... details escape me...was it then? right after i spoke with the "oldest", the big number bunch of women i  sat with , at the same lunchroom long table, decided to show their  cold treatment and   sat down at another table for lunch - the  one time with the three of  us 'foreners' remaining. the other two had no idea what happened , why the 'strike'.

    at any rate...the dust settled mostly because the three of us didn't 'object'. and next lunch-time, all's was ok and the sobbing woman seemed ok afterwards.

    "who's reba?" - another work-place.....i didn't know who reba was!...the t-shirt wearing 'reba' woman looked with disbelief at me , after my second or third "who is reba?" and the rest was history....ppl. looked at me with suspision and cool treatment. hell, if i know what treatment i would get if they knew i didn't own a tv set...and the funky, submitted  poem i wrote for the christmas contest? forget it!

    a few people read it and thought it should get recognition. i did by name, and with light-friendly  humor describ people and their wotevers antics ....while working . lol. 

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  •  09-21-2006, 10:28 AM 8728 in reply to 8535

    Re: Back to Justin

    Tis a gift to be simple, Tis a gift to be free

    Tis a gift to come round where we want to be.

    -Old Shaker Song

    For me, work was a furious, insane exercise in running around, chasing my tale.  Chasing my tale in an attempt to cover my ass.  I did not go to work yesterday, and it struck me that most of the people I used to work with detest one another - especially those at the seniormost levels.  They in fact invest significant amounts of energy in going behind one anothers' backs and saying so.  But not directly.  Everything is communciated with a degree of equivocation.  I guess the reason for this is that the speech act would be too transparent if it were at all straightforward.  And the marketing industry is staffed with individuals who understand how to get a message across without saying what is actually meant, as equally as it is with cut-throat assholes.

    And of all the cut-throat assholes who work in the marketing industry, I was the worst.  Actually, I still am the worst, except that I'm no longer working in the industry.  I would like to change that.  [Edit: I mean, I would like to change the fact that I'm a jerk, not the fact that I no longer work in the industry.]

    I quit because I have a secret.  I need help.  I am a drug addict and I need help and I'm going to get help.  And I feed my addictive personality with work.  Working 16 hour days, working myself into isolation, into alienation, into loneliness, into self-loathing and into an early grave.  Then I use drugs to escape that craziness.  All of it - the work, the drugs, the sex, the food - whatever at any moment is available - to escape these overwhelming feelings of guilt and unworthiness and rage.  I would like these feelings to go away.

    So I quit, because I felt that recovering from this insanity this addiction should be my full time job right now.  And although I used to hold on to the illusion that my job was the only part of my life that was actually under control, I've come to the realization that it was just as insane as the rest of it.  So I quit.

    ssenmai
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  •  09-21-2006, 10:45 AM 8730 in reply to 8535

    • jacinda is not online. Last active: 09-09-2007, 2:43 AM jacinda
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    Re: Back to Justin

    I just wish that I had a stronger (integral) sense of who I am so that I could be more certain about the choices I make.

    Hi Justin,

    I am a mother of four children….choices abound…..I too have made choices based on the labyrinth of self-knowledge, which can be confusing.

    I want to share Deepak Chopra’s words on Self and Choice…(very resonate with your intention)

    From THE BOOK OF SECRETS By DEEPAK CHOPRA:

    p87

    There is no central self who arises above the din to quell this riot of opinions, demands, and needs. At any given moment, whatever voice I pay the most attention to

    p88

    becomes my voice, only to be crowded offstage when my attention shifts. The unruliness that pulls me this way and that is living proof of how fragmented I’ve become.

    How can this clamoring chorus be tamed? How can I retrieve a sense of self that fits one reality? The answer once again is freedom, yet in the most peculiar way. You must free yourself from decisions. The voice in your head will die down once you stop making choices. A samskara is a choice you remember from the past. Each choice changed you by a tiny fraction. The process began at birth and continues to this day. Instead of fighting it, we all believe we should keep on making choices; as a result, we keep adding new samskaras and reinforcing the old ones. (In Buddhism, this is called the wheel of samskara because the same old reactions keep coming around again and again. In a cosmic sense, the wheel of samskara is what drives a soul from one lifetime into the next--old imprints impel us to face the same problem again and again, even beyond death.) Kierkegaard wrote that the person who has found God has freed himself from choices. But what does it feel like to have God make your decisions for you? I think you would have to be deeply connected to God to even come close to answering that question.

    Yet in a state of simple awareness, the most evolutionary choices seem to come spontaneously. While the ego agonizes over every detail of a situation, a deeper part of your awareness knows what to do already, and its choices emerge with amazing finesse and perfect timing.

    ……

    …..

    Have we become trapped simply be the act of choosing? This is a surprising idea because it runs counter to a lifelong behavior. For all of us, life has been lived one choice at a time. The external world is like a huge bazaar offering a dazzling array of possibilities, and everyone shops the bazaar, cannily seizing what is best for me and mine. Most

    p89

    people know themselves by what came home in their shopping bag--a house, job, spouse, car, children, money. But every time you choose A over B, you are forced to leave some part of the one reality behind. You are defining yourself by selective (and completely arbitrary) preferences.

    The alternative is to stop concentrating on the results and look at the cause. Who is this choice-maker inside you? This voice is a relic of the past, the accumulation of old decisions carrying over beyond their time. Right now you are living under the burden of your past self, who is no longer alive. You must protect the thousands of choices that make up this dead self. Yet the choice-maker could live a much freer life. If choices occurred in the present and were fully appreciated right now, there would be nothing left to hold onto, and then the past couldn’t accumulate into a crushing burden.

    Choice should be a flow. Your body already suggests that this is the natural way to exist…each cell maintains only enough reserve food and oxygen to survive for a few seconds. Cells don’t store up energy because they never know what’s coming next. Flexible responses are much more important to survival that hoarding. From one point of view, this makes your cells look entirely vulnerable and undefended, yet as fragile as a cell may appear, two billion years of evolution can’t be denied.

    Everyone knows how to choose; few know how to let go. But it’s only by letting go of each experience that you make room for the next. The skill of letting go can be learned; once learned, you will enjoy living much more spontaneously.

    p89-90

    LETTING GO

    How to Choose Without Getting Trapped

    Make the most of every experience.

    Don’t obsess over right and wrong decisions.

    Stop defending your self-image.

    Go beyond risks.

    Make no decision when in doubt.

    See the possibilities in whatever happens.

    Find the stream of joy.

    ~Deepak Chopra THE BOOK OF SECRETS

     

    also......

    The movie V for VENDETTA brilliantly portrays the concept "die before you die"…..which is essentially what Deepak’s message conveys as well…..to die to the old self allows the birth of SELF…..essentially the same, yet now no longer fearful, confused, or limited….even by physical death!

    LOVE

    Betsy


    “Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” ~Mark Twain
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  •  09-21-2006, 11:01 AM 8734 in reply to 8730

    Re: Back to Justin

    Thanks for all your replies.  I feel like I've finally found my home.  I'll keep writing.

    ssenmai
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  •  09-22-2006, 8:33 AM 8864 in reply to 8734

    Re: Back to Justin

    i think some ppl-folks , those of us who got delt the, 'i'm a guy trapped in a womans body-soul' hand and vice-versa, must be one of the hardest  to deal with.

    i once worked with boomer jack, the pony tail handsome hunk , who one day began wearing lipstic and pink t-shirts...and asked to be called joan. even some  women were jolly glad they had something to gossip about.

    which didn't surprise me much, i kind of put 2 and 2 together...we once worked at the same table-station...hands eyes working, mouths gabing...he shared much, talked about his wife, two teen kids and so on....he didn't looke too happy, but got more and more animated as he opened up .. then just before  the end of shift bell-ring, he said he had to make an important decision...there was that 'forlorn' look in his eyes again...and all had a chance to say was "whatever it is i hope it works out"

    he worked in a department with their own bosses, lunch room, different hours thta's why that day's gab was out of the 'normal range'. by then i worked very part time only. with two babies in cloth diapers an' all, it was too hard to do full time.

    at any rate, one day i heard joans face  got beat up by an irritated  weight-lifting  co-worker  macho dude - her one or two teeth got knocked out . she was off for some days after the ordeal.

    i had to ask who so and so was - to point him out to me....at lunch , with all the guys present - a calculated move- i marched into their porn lined wall club house, slash luch room, and hisssssed to muchoman "(his name) , you're a scum and kreep if you want to knock me out come out there!"

    "what?"

    so i hisss-repeated word for word same....... he shook his head 'no'

    big,  grining from ear to ear,  guy j. came up to my work station afterwards -he who was present for the hisss-session - and said "must be the irish temper in you" :) yah i was called "miss muffet" when i didn't want another drink.

    at the end of shift, when the next shift ppls arrived before us, day shift crew left , the place was abuzz..."way to go!" yelled one woman...mucho 'aproving' smiles ...

    the following morn' was the best tho! at the front door entrance, huge poster-banner  "IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU KREEP AND SCUM ,THEN QUIT!"

    another, same one inside -  he did , same morn' (hows' my irish accent?;(

    couple or so weeks later boss from joans dep. came up to me table-station, asked f my name was so and such -"yes" - and he expressed his gratitude..."much more peacful now"

    joan wrote many page open letter to everyone (mangement / office crew too)  ( i was handed my own copy) with words of gratitude for the support.."two suicide attempts"...soo much anguish. i'm pretty sure her shrink was glad that 'opening' for soul-share got created, because it was moving,and i swear ppl. folks seemed much kinder/gentler ...one guy came up to me .."she couldn't help it....that's the way she is.......why be afraid of it"

    yah, joan came out for a tea after the'ordeal' ..."what if the (twin toddlers) babies are afraid of me?" , she wondered. i said, "i'll teach  you some makeup tricks":)

    she moved away not long after that ...hope , wherever she may be , she's found peace in her new fem-body.

     

     

     

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  •  09-22-2006, 9:42 AM 8874 in reply to 8535

    Re: Back to Justin

    There's a certain form of pain in realizing that everything one has accepted (partially accepted, or maybe just pretended to accept) as the God's honest capital-T Teleological Truth about life is in reality flatter than a pancake...
    Maybe the sky will turn into a giant blue pancake and fall on my head.

    I AM IN PAIN.  I AM THAT I AM.

    Is this what it means to die before one dies?  I have caused so much pain and chaos and I signed a contract with chaos because I thought that chaos was actually good.  I thought that chaos was actually God.  I wanted to choose life on some level but I lied and said that God was dead and life is death and love is unimportant because it can't be measured.  Well neither can chaos you fucking idiot.

    I am a drug addict and I need help and I am going to get help.

    I don't understand if this deep soul-wrenching pain is red or blue or yellow.  I sometimes feel morally depraved as though I'm just purple-maybe-red-at-best but I think cognitively I am probably yellow-ish although I question whether it is a deceptively magic yellow rather than an authentically transrational one.  All these different parts of myself are competing to have a dominant voice and yet none of them feel like me.  Even that fucking leprechan controller I hate him (or her, he-she-it is gender-confused) the most.

    My name is Justin and I AM AN ADDICT.  I AM IN PAIN.  I AM I AM-NESS.

    God and I use the term loosely please help me.  God and I use the terministic screen to screen out any hint of divinity.  God and I use the term as a bowling ball to knock down feeblemindedness.  Would it be better to have a feeble mind than an angry, alienated one.  Would it be better to be a simple soul than a lost one.

    Someone please tell me how to integrate all of this.  How do I correct these pathologies?  Do I turn yellow or blue or orange or green to get better?  I see anger on all levels.  I see red.  Maybe green is the only level on which I'm sort of not sick but then again I smoked a lot of pot in my early college days.

    God and I use the term loosely please help me. 

    Love Justin.



    ssenmai
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  •  09-22-2006, 10:47 AM 8883 in reply to 8874

    • jacinda is not online. Last active: 09-09-2007, 2:43 AM jacinda
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    Re: Back to Justin

    Justin,

    Namaste

    I have chronic neck and shoulder pain....my mind wants to identify with this suffering, create blame, shame, the deep sadness does get masked by anger and grief cycles.

    Eckhart Tolle's THE POWER OF NOW and LIVING THE LIBERATED LIFE AND DEALING WITH THE PAIN-BODY (CDs)....have been a true gift in my life...stopping the cycle of suffering, even when pain is there.

    Eckhart Tolle illuminates that of couse it is completely natural to not want to suffer, yet chronic pain or illness bring a powerful spiritual message.....resistance is futile....resistance to what IS.

    Surrender to whatever arises.....accept it fully.....even accept if you cannot accept!.......but most importantly Tolle's message taught me that unconscious conditioned thinking has been a large part of the problem up until now.

    and pointed to the powerful peace that passeth ALL understanding ....when I just feel and accept my own energy....whatever it IS...without having to justify, enhance, romance, defend it, or feel victim of it.

    I am glad you are asking for help...you have made an opening for grace....trust that when you ask, you will receive my friend.

    Blessing on your path to healing, Justin.

    a short meditation:

    I AM  (true)

    I AM....(fill in the blank with any object....only partially true)

    there is no seperation.... you cannot be two.....only one.

    LOVE

    Betsy

     

     


    “Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” ~Mark Twain
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  •  09-22-2006, 5:13 PM 8933 in reply to 8883

    Re: Back to Justin

    justin is having pitty party?...you are only cementing / reinforcing that energy to further control you.

    J. dude, tell Him to take a hike to the nearest  12 step AA supprt group...from what i understand it is 'spiritually' oriented organization...and whilst there, seek out a person who looks more sad/despondent than you and try n' land a helping hand. become His/Her best friend - supporter in the whole world...know what i mean?...and watch their face light up, when friend  sees you  Smile [:)] attend meetings together...walks in the woods are supremly rejuvinating...hug a tree (even tho ur'e  a guy!  i recall asking trees to give me enrergy back in the day:) 

    xoxoxoEmbarrassed [:$] 

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  •  09-22-2006, 9:26 PM 8948 in reply to 8874

    Re: Back to Justin

    justinrev:

    I AM IN PAIN.  I AM THAT I AM.

    Is this what it means to die before one dies? 

    You know, this could really be it for you. If you don't resist the internal demolition derby (and it can go on for quite a long time as it did with me)....if you can find ways to allow all the suppressed, unconscious and semi-conscious thoughts/emotions to arise within you, that in itself already means you have transcended the suffering. Why? Because the Self that allows all sensations to come and go within itself is the grace, the truth, the godself and the peace that surpasses all understanding NOW. It truly is who you are already this instant, no matter how turbulent the interior weather.

    You see?

    I also think Jacinda and Helene really gave you excellent advice. Eckhart Tolle spells everything out as clearly as anyone having to use language can, if you ask me.

    Hearts going out to you -

    Mascha
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  •  09-23-2006, 10:08 AM 9018 in reply to 8608

    Re: Back to Justin

    wicke:
    i hope you find and transcend and find and transcend dude. Best wishes, Wicke


    Thank you man.

    I know there is a light inside that is just waiting, begging almost, to be persuaded, to be pulled through the waves of the morphogenetic field in which everything arises - not towards some some temporary victory over that which is transcended, but into a deeper and more profound understanding of it.  To be pulled into a state of peace with it.

    I want to make the bodhisattvic vow to liberate all beings.  I want to make that vow and to Make Good on it.  I want to live at the edge of evolution, where freedom and necessity are one.  I want to dance on the boundary between order and chaos, between self and not-self. 

    sometimes i think this desire to set things free is the reason for the pain.  there's some kind of cruel-ass paradox here, isn't there and i'm the butt of a dark cosmic joke.  i wish my ego would take a long hike off a steep cliff.

    I want to vibrate at the highest levels possible for a human being, to serve humanity and to do so in a state of geniune everpresent joy.  But just for today I am a drug addict and I am in pain I am that I am.  I am a selfish whore I am that I am.

    How did my life ever stray so far from what I already know is true.  And more importantly, God and I use the term loosely will you please help me get back on track.  I would like a miracle please.  I would like to do work that falls outside of the normal intervals of time, because otherwise I fear it is already too late.

    Justin


    ssenmai
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  •  09-24-2006, 7:26 AM 9135 in reply to 9018

    Re: Back to Justin

    hey Justin, the miracle seeking-One

    isn't God's capital "T" really "L" -?... you're seeking miracles? i'm not (relatively speaking) a quantum physics studies expert, but whenever i'm reminded that every-thing is energy ....a dance of subatomic particles , of electrons, photons, quirks, or...( wotever!) which know exactly when to be my hand, eye or foot, is beyond mind-boggling!

    ever watched a large flock of birds in what looks like a seemingly chaotic-flying  bunch , an entire cloud of them...how they turn , in-unison, as if an invisible director pulled a string all of a sudden, and bang! instantly, they all change direction!

    want a miracle?...here's a snip-idea, something i jutted down in  may, 03'... you too, can write/make up your own 'list-statment' of what a 'miracle' means/is  to you.

    Miracles happen when we trust the spirit of Good Will

    Miracles happen when we dare to live in integrity

    Miracles happen when the Helper's helpers have courage to stand tall in God's light...and work for the benefit of all Beings.

    xo

     

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  •  09-25-2006, 9:05 AM 9251 in reply to 8948

    Re: Back to Justin

    Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
    Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
    where there is injury, pardon;
    where there is doubt, faith;
    where there is despair, hope;
    where there is darkness, light;
    and where there is sadness, joy.
    O, Divine Master,
    grant that I may not so much seek
    to be consoled as to console;
    to be understood as to understand;
    to be loved as to love;
    for it is in giving that we receive;
    it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
    and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
    -Prayer of St. Francis

    ssenmai
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