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the breakdown of lord gift from god

Last post 02-21-2008, 10:53 AM by vulgan. 2 replies.
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  •  02-21-2008, 10:26 AM 39831

    the breakdown of lord gift from god

    first off the only magic i had experienced before this was as a child remembering that i levitated a pen, and that stuck to me as proof of magic my whole life.  probably didn't even happen but that's what i held to.
     
    when i was 17 i had the love of my life... online.  she was an american girl, born in romania and moved with her parents at a young age. i knew her at the same time i was involved in the hacking stuff that i wasn't even very involved in, except from the point of view of newbs who were all about the image and too eager to be called a hacker.  uhm... so she opened my heart.  even when i had a real girlfriend 2 years ago the feeling didn't compare to the first girl.  i said to you before i only had one girlfriend and i meant the real life one, but the one online was more real to my heart.  go figure. the internet is such a cesspool of crap now that im pretty sure it's killed any romantic notion of itself.
     
    hmm so when we broke off due to real life interruptions... her boyfriend, and my schooling... there was an emptiness i didn't put my finger on at the time... but it was definitely there.
     
    i went on to do an internet and networking course at 'tafe' here.  i did well enough, i won a medalion, one teacher thought i was the only one who really grasped what they told us.  that was the first year there.  in the second year an old 'friend' joined me in class, the same person responsible for getting me kicked out of computing class in highschool (thus leaving highschool early).  anyway....... with him and the friends he was living with i began leaving class and watching movies, smoking alot of marijuana, and not finishing things in class... not to mention my concentration went to shit.  so near the end of the second year i went to the doctor about my concentration difficulty, without telling him about the actual circumstances.  he thought i was depressed and needed an anti depressant.  i was very touchy about having the 'D word' used on me and said i'd think about it.  atleast i started to think about my real emotional state because of that.  i realized i was very depressed actually, and my usual shy self had been totally eclipsed at this new school by a more extroverted, socially integrated, funny self... it was awful.  it was the best thing that happened to me, but because i became trapped in this new ego it started to feel awful.  i couldn't enjoy being alone, i always needed people to feel stimulated, and yet i was sick of myself with them because i was always took the same role and felt bound to that... and empty shell stuck in some kind of group mind dependence.
     
    so... back to the doctor i went for the anti depressant!  Zoloft...
     
    first some clarity about something im vague with... i can't remember whether everything psychic happened on the zoloft, or if some of what happened between me and the friend i mentioned was before then... i believe some of it happened before... if so it was him who introduced me to some thing, auras really.  i always thought he was full of shit, but he had alot of power, too.  i remember looking at him (on a day we skipped class) and watching him change the colour of his aura while i told him the colour to verify it.  then it disappeared and i thought my vision had gone, and i told him that, but he told me he made it disappear.  another day he wrapped me up in his energy, and said to me "do you feel that" ... i felt an alien (to my system) energy wrapped around me.  later in life he turned into a paedophile, we no longer know one another.
     
    so........ that was fun but on the zoloft things were more extreme.  it started 2 weeks after i began the medication, when i started writing about things with a clarity and wisdom that i felt i caught out of thin air and didn't let go of.  (you know, 3am we all have genius thoughts, and i latched onto that and dragged it into day after day after day.)...... so it started with me writing about energies and energy interaction, while i felt i was attuning to actual energies and energy interaction.  then my writing was about the mind more, and about finding a key to genius... and as my attention turned to this in my writing, the process seemed to speed up.  i was on a great high of energy.  everything was changing and i was running with it.......
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  •  02-21-2008, 10:30 AM 39832 in reply to 39831

    Re: the breakdown of lord gift from god pt.2

    the stuff that was happening in real life was better than the writing.  while my consciousness was heightened i really felt that i was going to be the first human to break all the barriers and find the answers, the key to perfect genius, cure the world with correct thought, all of that.
     
    one of the first signs of 'magic' was making electric lights flicker...  i remember showing up for class after a little time off, and telling my friends... and while i told them about my control over the lights, the one above me blew out.
     
    blah blah blah...... the friend and i were able to turn the television off and on... i could send thoughts and feelings to another person... was able to charge my arms with energy... i knew what others were thinking when i told them to hold an idea in their mind... i mesmerized friends... i saw what was on television from behind a wall...
     
    blah blah...... so then 'psychic christian lady' came over... she had a child being babysat by my mother... and i knew about her from my mum... and i wanted to meet her, so i was there to meet her the next time she came over... before anything else was said, she looked at me and said that "You can feel the energy in your arms, right?"... and i was doing just that... and i showed her my journal.
     
    she tried something on me, sending me "love" holding my hands, and i felt nothing even though tears came from my eyes.  i had also been talking to 3 'spirits' before she came over and she knew that i had, and described them exactly as i had ... imagined.  because i only thought i was imagining people with a very vivid mind for the sake of bouncing my thoughts around more adequately... and when she told me they were spirits i wasn't ready to believe her, i too could tell people their spirits and i thought they were archetypal characters associated to the persons mind i was sensing... created by them.  still i don't know.
     
    i let her take my journal eager to impress or atleast see what she thought.  that night i saw energy everywhere in my bedroom but none of it reached me even though it looked like it could have been trying.  circling around me...  i told my mum the next day and she told me that the lady had told her she would send me love energy that night because she detected a void and  inability to feel love or to feel loved.  i felt somewhat proud to have deflected it, yet a little bit worried about myself.
     
    while i was at school oneday she returned to see my mother and tell her that a very evil and quite powerful spirit had me in its control. she explained that the energy hadn't been able to connect to me. and then she pointed out something i had written about sacrifices in the journal, i had ordered the 4 most preferable sacrifices... later in life i found out aleister crowley had written the same list in the book of law, or aiwass had written it through him...  also i had written some blasphemous (to her) things on jesus christ being a retard genius, and a great failure. but i was being complimentary since my own father hated religion and didn't believe jesus was worth anything.
     
    i took it all to be her christian bullshit raising its head...
    later on... while i was asleep mum had a call from her.  i don't think i heard it, but i woke up very furious and i knew she was talking to my mum and making her upset.  i jumped out of my bed and went to my mums bedroom and i took the phone out of her hand and told the lady that she is the most blind person i had ever met and then i hung up, she didn't say anything to me...  mum told me she was calling to withdraw her child from day care because me and my evil spirit were a threat...  the next conflict i had was when her husband came over to sign the papers... and i tried to stay away but i couldn't help screaming at him through the door what idiots they are.  he came back with "You think ya know everything don't you ya little smart ass!"... and i remember screaming back to him that i know i don't know everything... and that's more than he will ever know.  yeah, the way i was coming across sure was wasnt helping, or maybe i was just a kid and i felt hurt because i trusted her.
     
    ugh, to be continued :p
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  •  02-21-2008, 10:53 AM 39835 in reply to 39832

    Re: the breakdown of lord gift from god pt.3

    i was interrupted by the dawning of a higher consciousness i had never read about.  when i woke up everything was still...  i was quiet inside, bewildered.  i walked from my bed and sat down on a chair.  the dog was barking and scratching at my legs to play and i felt uneffected by her... i was staring through the walls, and through her... i was flat lining, figuratively speaking.  inside this dead awareness arose my human ego reflecting back to itself.  i saw through it.  everything i feared and wanted people to believe about me, all the ego games, the ego motivation for life, was too clear.  i reacted and felt horrible about myself, and i tried to escape the 'cell of self awareness'... trying to return to 'the matrix' after already seeing through the illusion.  i wanted to return... and the attempt to is what really screwed me up, not the silent awareness.  every thing i cherish i tried to hold but it was like showing my weakness and everything was at war.
     
    back to the christian... in my mind her having a heart attack wouldn't cease.  i tried to forgive her and nothing worked... i was on the floor in a sweat fighting the thought of her dying.. this went on for months.  the best solution i found was to eclipse it with another terrible thought... i didn't solve it but it eventually went into the background of my mind while i was busy fighting other thoughts.
     
    so months went by and in december the doctor was still telling me to try another medication called aurorix... on new years eve (99->2000) i was depressed and i over dosed... up stairs at my dads house i was on the computer listening to insane clown posse, twiztid, and hardcore techno, with winamp visualization plug ins... and watching the visual plug ins an  irritation i always had came to the forefront of my mind.  again this is impossible to describe, there is a wall between me and the memories because even remembering used to make me fucked up.  i couldn't lock onto the visual... the illusion of it perhaps... i don't know... i was watching the winamp visual and it began a general breakdown of my perception of reality.  TEARING IT APART.  reality was being torn apart from under my feet... downstairs i sat infront of the stereo and tried to hold my attention to it... every perception was fluid.  nothing held.  reality was a gay special effect.
     
    to this day reality perception feels fucked!!!   breakdown 1... ego and values......breakdown 2 physical perception...... after the breakdown#1, physical reality was the only haven from the chaos within me and then that was crushed. (nature and intimacy through physical presence)
     
    the years dragged in darkness.  i quit school before it finished (before the aurorix) and stopped seeing people.  a few friends continued to see me... the same people now.  obsessive compulsive disorder overcame me and it was me trying to scrap together some order in hell.  intellect and theory followed as another attempt to order something out of the aftermath... 
     
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